so yesterday after school Rosie was to be found in with the remaining chickens. She picked up and cuddled chick chick and sang to her. Mostly in tears. She asked why the things she loves always die (her goldfish died at the weekend too). She is also worried about me. She has often asked why I am so old (she has a slightly more disarming way of putting it) and yesterday asked when I would die, did I know? Oh god! How to discuss death with an eight year old? I won't lie to her and say I won't die as she knows only too well that it is a real possibility. And of course the thing is that my mum died at 65 and her mother at 62 so I guess I may make it to 68 or so - less than 20 years away! I have promised her not to die until she's big enough to manage by herself but who knows when that will be? Truly I doubt I am at that point yet myself. It was never in the plan to have children so late - my age just sort of crept up on me.
But yesterday evening we talked about new chickens and whether to hatch some from fertilised eggs or get point of lay hens. I would like to get some point of lay hens and take it from there, there are too many worries in hatching eggs and they may all turn out to be cockerels like the last lot. Last summer we found ourselves in the actual Marans in France and idly went in search of some hens. Marans are lovely hens, they lay dark brown eggs and are friendly and good natured. Excellent pets that also lay lots of eggs, so they would be nice.
We shut the chickens up early and went to bed as normal. Then just before 4 am the dog started to bark and bark. He never does this so we knew something was wrong. When I went to him and opened the back door he rushed outside and ran straight down to the chickens and barked more. He then went around the entire garden sniffing and checking on everything. He spent lots of time near the rabbit and was in a state of high dudgeon really. We got him back in and hoped that the noise and lights would have frightened away the fox that must have come into the garden again. In the morning my husband found digging at the place where he had buried the few remains. And the rabbit was very jumpy too. So tonight he will wee all around the garden (it's supposed to help warn off the fox) once it is dark.
Today has been a strange day. I have worked a little but distractedly. I am not feeling well which doesn't help but my spirits were raised by the walk I took after lunchtime. Our dog sprained his wrist a couple of months ago and so has been resting. Over the last couple of weeks we have been building him up again, watching anxiously for any sign of a limp. As a consequence I have hardly walked and it was a joy to go the entire length of the field and back with him trotting alongside me. With the blue skies and the oak trees dotted about the field it is the most beautiful sight in the world. Though I did wonder why, for the first time ever, the farmer has planted broad beans one side of the footpath and 'something else' on the other. In all the years we have lived here I have never known broad beans in the field. I confess that part of our annual ritual is the first family walk with the dog and children in tow through the field at the height of the barley crop. The children rush off (along the network of footpaths) and we hold the dog. Moments later the signal is given and we say 'where is Rosie' or 'Michael' or 'Katya'? The dog stands still, nose in air and then races off to find them. He looks like a dolphin in the waves, swimming through the crop. His head and tail dipping and diving. And then he finds them! The kids jump up, laughing and spitting barley as the dog jumps on top of them licking and tail wagging madly. I want this ritual to happen again and again, press rewind for me please. The crop this year isn't familiar to me and I fear it will not bring the joy of the hide and seek. Changes, changes.
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8 comments:
So sad to hear about the chickens. Foxes are very cruel.
It's really hard talking about death with children, My 10 year old was wanting to talk about it the other day, death is a part of life we all shy away from but it comes to us all. I had post natal depression after 2 of the children and used to really panic that I would die and who would look after the children, hubby is hopeless, It is such a relief now that they are getting more independent , 2 have left home and only 1 left but i now know she would be fine with eldest if any thing happened to me. Eldest was brillduring my recent illness.
Lovely blog! And so good to see you blogging here. I do not believe you are not a good mother, you sound as though you are handling all of these difficult subjects in a natural and sensiitve way. Just like your blogs.
Ditto Lixtroll. I have an eight year old boy, and I know it's really really hard. He is quite thoughtful and sensitive about it all; his more extroverted and bolshy little sister is much more furious about the whole business, thinks it's a personal affront to her that people should die. So sorry about the chickens, we all know it goes with the territory, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Super blog and you do seem to be a caring natural mum. Dying, its a huge thing to explain to littlies isnt it. I was obsessed with it as a child and thought at night if it was dark I would die - so always had to have a light on.No idea why I thought that. Heard something somewhere I guess. Look forward to more chicken tales - dad has free range chickens, always talking about point of lay and grower pellets and things. I am not a chicken person really. Not cuddly enough for me.
I think all children go through a fascinatoin with death and dying. Youngest is very matter of fact about it all, says, " we all die eventually don't we Mummy even me" perhasp the broad beans are to put notrogen back into the soil?
Cor I think you ar about the same age as me..
Being an older mother can be a good thing. Your own life is often more settled and you have a vast amount of experience under your belt. My sister was a young mother and her daughter has followed her to my sister's regret. She would have preferred it if her daughter had lived a little first, material possessions arn't everything but being in a financially strong position as is often the case when older does make having children less stressful also there are life experiences you can give them that just isn't possible when you are constantly counting the pennies.
I lost all but two of my chickens to a local vixen - but she seems to have gone off for a while. Death is tricky - my mum died when I was 15 - she was 49 - so I am very aware of how things can suddenly change. I wish my parents had taught me more independence as I was a very over protected and unwordly child and it all came as a huge huge shock to me - but I survived - my own two children have now left home and are at Uni . . . . you will do what is right, because you are giving it a lot of thought.
So sorry to hear about the chickens. We lost 22 one night to a mink. The shame of it was that they were just savaged - it isn't about eating the chickens at all. I might have been able to handle that a little better.
Re being an older mother - there are so many benefits to that! You have had time to learn and to think about what kind of mother you'll be. I think that we older mothers are often more in the moment with the children because we don't have the worry about finding out who we are or what we're going to do when the children grow up. It sounds as though you have a good handle on motherhood!
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