I read Mousie's blog from 9th May and was so moved I just had to get this down.
My own mum's ashes are scattered on a beautiful hillside overlooking the sea. It was a favourite picnic spot for her and my dad in their (too short) retirement. They had planned to move to the sea but events overtook them and when she was in remission they used to drive here with an M&S picnic and gaze for hours at the beauty of it all. When we knew she had only weeks left we all discussed with her what kind of funeral and so on she wanted. At her 65th birthday party I sat writing down all the hymns she hated and all the ones she would put up with (and this from a former sunday school teacher). Her instructions were no black and no sad faces and no wasting money on expensive flowers or coffins. Summer dresses and joyfullness at her life please. On the day she died we phoned and booked the funeral negotiating with the minister who was shocked as we were actually calling BEFORE she died! We were on a tight schedule, my sister was over from the US and had to get back to her boys. She died a few hours later. And we are control freaks.
In our best summer frocks we went in the pouring rain ('god crying for granny')to George Herbert's tiny little church at the evening service and sang our hearts out. Grandchildren cried. We cried. Friends cried. My dad, stoic, refused keeping his tears for a private moment. It was beautiful. We actually taped the service for my sister to take to her boys as they couldn't come over. The cremation was held a few days later and the ashes scattered a day after that. My pooor sister from the US was torn, her adopted religion forbids crematation but to me it is a fitting ending place. We had lizianthus (which make me cry now) and my beloved sisters put in a flower for my (first) lost baby with the flowers from their children.
And now my (third) tiny baby's ashes are scattered under a conker tree in our tiny local churchyard. I go there to sit and think when I need to be alone with my memories. All the children know it is 'Toto's' tree as we have never hidden it from them - a somewhat surprised grandad was taken to it recently and had it all explained to him by a serious 8 year old (my second baby if you are counting, the one that made it!). And when for the first time I took her to 'granny's hill' she took it all in her stride and looked for my bouquet that I had strewn there 2 years after her death. Long gone of course. Like granny but never far from my thoughts.....
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12 comments:
Oh that is very beautiful and moving Ska. There is much about deaths, funerals, ashes on Purplecoo at the moment. I suppose we are at the age of the older generation moving on. But your mum died too young. Go rest her, and your little ones. I cannot imagine how you must have suffered. So glad you have a child as they are such a joy. I'm sure you a very good mother.
I meant of course 'God rest her'
A lovely blog ska!and well done carrying out her wishes, my father had his own way of greiving and we had to be traditional, but her ashes are here in my garden, thats one thing i insisted on..xx
Hello Ska,this is the first time I have come across your blogs and the latest one in particular is very moving. Having two children of my own, I cannot imagine the pain which must come from losing a child. Having gone back and read your previous blogs, I feel that your heading "not a good mother" is definitely not applicable.
I think all mothers feel at some time or another that they should be doing better/more for their kids, so you are not alone.
I look forward to reading more.
Jacqui x
My mother said, having lost a baby herself, that the worst thing that can happen to a mother is to outlive her children. I am glad that your family still remember yours however small they were.
That was such a beautiful blog for a Sunday morning. You sent your mother off in lovely style, with singing and tears and flowers.
What a beautiful and moving blog. I haven't lost my Mum yet, but had tears in my eyes for your loss, and for your babies, which I can relate to. xx
so moving and poignant yet with a sliver of a silver cloud in a child's perspective
That was lovely to read my dad wants to be cremated and have his ashes scattered in water so that to be close to him all we have to do is go to a river or stream. I think it is a wonderful idea but know my mother if she out lives him will never allow it and he will have to be buried in a grave with her. She could do both put some ashes in a shared grave but I know she wont.
How sad to loose two children but how lovely to have one still with you.
I have just found this so very late - beautifully written - your mum was far too young.
I look forward to learning more about you - my mum will have been lost to us 2 years on the 18th of June. It doesnt get any easier I find. love mousie
countrymousie, my mum died on 18 June too! But in 1996, what a coincidence. Hope lats week was ok for you, found my self a little tearful as always.
What a moving blog. Your blog title needs to be changed; it is so wrong.
Caitx
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